#being a person who can't function and can't socialize and hasn't been able to find a job is awful :D

[praise-milkman]

quick typing brain hurty

:( i have had a lot of moments in life where i my family speculated if i had depression or anxiety clinically, but other diagnoses seemed off the table. My dad has ADHD and I was super shy as kid but also smart, but no adult ever seemed to consider maybe I had what HE had OR maybe ..... on the spectrum. i know screening tests only go so far, I am so far from being able to go somwhere to diagnose or anything.... and every description of masking from sources and other people sound JUST like me, and now I am confused how one is supposed to know if they are on the spectrum or have a level of autism if they masked their whole life?? I noticed i was answering screening questions with what I would LIKE to do or be, so I switched to my mindset of when i was younger and felt my stress honestly instead of internalizing it and seeing how it was not sociable.... and that kid needed lots of help. I'm better now but only cause I have to be and i GET SO TIRED of being "an adult". I feel like the same person i was when i was 12 just employed and stuff. i never gave myself the space to consider i was more than just a little anxious (never got properly diagnosed in that area, just a lot of sessions with school counselors..) so now i'm trying to do that and find information so i can stop punishing myself for habits and behaviors that might ...like not be my fault....

in my life, i have had an INTENSE fear of conflict and being wrong. just scrolling around tumblr a couple posts in the autism tag make me feel like i shouldn't even be there. one post said "functioning" labels are frowned upon, but I also looked at a users blog who was non-verbal and called themselves low-functioning, and had some posts where they were very frustrated with "high-functioning" people and how they talk about autism. i mean already i learned that the thought "i feel non-verbal sometimes" may be more like...selective mutism or something else regarding communication, so i am happy i am looking into it bc that's how i feel. but i noticed my fear of being incorrect crop up and i don't like drawing attention to myself but i am 24 and tired of just acting like i'm normal and that it hasn't been a roller coaster hell trying to be socially acceptable. i've tried self-helping my way through life with moderate results, i at least know it;s not for lack of trying and now i see the pattern in my thinking, depression, obsession over topics, and so many things, but guilt and a constant sense of imposter syndrome about EVERYTHING holds me back from being honest about my feelings sometimes and how much it sucks because i had friends sadder than me and less stability and friends with worse disability so by all acounts i am doing super well but even those friends would not want me to discard my own suffering in a game of unbalanced comparison.

i'm not super sure why i'm posting this but i have never really once allowed myself the space to be weird and wrong and just roll with the fact that we are all weird and wrong about stuff sometimes. i vow to never hold hate in my heart so i wonder why i can't just trust that/. why am i so hateful towards myself then. I want to just say out loud, I AM CONFUSED all the time pretty much now, I feel LESS HEALTHY now then when i was 19 but I am honestly SMARTER and MORE CAPABLE so that's why it's such a CONTRADICTION. I feel like i am doing alright but somehow OVERTHINKING more than ever. some of my anxieties and social confusions are getting more glaring as i get older to the point where i'm like... i thought i had this under control? I fixed this thing that was "wrong"? And then I read online...there is such a thing as COVERING UP versus "FIXING" and that BLEW MY MIND and has stuck an itch in my brain I cannot get rid of , it explains how i wasted my WHOLE childhood caring too much about things i didn't even have to care about. I was worried about everyhting all the time and felt weird, and processed things weird, and i Was smart but too anxious so i didn't pass that one GT test, my self esteem lived on rock bottom as a school kid and i thought that was NORMAL and i was just SELF AWARE ABOUT MY FLAWS.

So there's that. i need to just stick it out right? It's hard to accept yourself, when your concept of self-acceptance or self-love is skewed in the first place? Like apparently I'm not the best measure... of if I'm being nice to myself... because I'm not sure what nice to myself really is. I miss being 4 years old i think haha

[cabin12kid]

Okay but I'm an absolute ass for court intrigue AUs and I have some Ideas for a PJO one.

General set up is instead of the camps there's literally just like a section of Olympus or something and the demigods live in their own little court ya know. Also I'm fucking around with the ages because who's gonna stop me.

Percy has lived with his mortal mother all this time but is now being introduced to the Godly Court for. Reasons. I'll make something up idc.

Immediately hates it because all of this is fucking stupid. Runs into Annabeth at some party/ball or whatever the first day and says as much and Annabeth absolutely agrees and they hit it off instantly.

Grover was still the one to bring him there but in this court he is more a servant and Percy sees him and is like !!! hey dude what's up. Serving duty?? That's dumb as shit let's hang out. And he's the son of Poseidon, who the fuck is gonna say No You Can't Appoint A Satyr To Your Personal Retinue And Let Him Do Basically Whatever.

There's still a separation of the Roman and Greek courts

Jason has been at this court since he was 2 and has very little experience with the mortal world. He's aware of Thalia but they aren't allowed to see each other. Jason has a lot of weight on his shoulders as Son of Jupiter naturally and is the picture perfect Prince of the court.

I know that's not how this works idc

Still working out the equivalent to Thalia's time as a tree tbh so we'll get there BUT in this AU she knows Jason isn't dead and has been trying to find a way to bridge the gap it just hasn't worked out. Princess of the court she may be but she doesn't give nearly as much of a shit about that as Jason does because it's stupid.

The plot really picks up as for plot reasons and exchange is set up. No one loses their memories or gets false memories tho. But Jason does get to go to the Greek court, Percy to the Roman court.

As in HoO this is where Piper, Leo, Hazel and Frank are introduced.

Still figuring out how Reyna's story adapts to this AU but she does have her time on the island, does get to be a mortal pirate, does eventually enter the court and does play a military leader role and does still work closely with Jason.

Piper and Leo still meet Jason first, though it's during the first social function in the Greek Court. Jason immediately notices they seem to be New and are likely the only people who won't be Weird about him or are relatively unlikely to have some sort of agenda when socializing with him. For basically the first time he's able to just be himself while also introducing them to the general ins and outs of being part of the court. Some of which doesn't actually line up as he's only been in the Roman court lol

Also for reasons Thalia is away initially but does quickly return I'll get to that

Hazel and Frank likewise still meet Percy first in the Roman court. In Percy's case he's mostly just sick of the politicking going on and also "oh hey new people to court I remember how badly that sucked I'll go talk to them"

The seven converge and form a clique basically as perceived on the outside.

Nico, Bianca, and Hazel I'm still working on like how to balance the time stuff.

Also absolutely will have other characters I'm just blanking on what exactly I did with everyone rip

[silentmassacres]

tue, nov 19

there came a time in which the length i was so far ahead of people became shorter. even those either behind or equal to me came to have an easier time with the things i'd prided myself in, or things i needed desperately, yet couldn't reach. it's become so easy to surpass me.

and so, i feel the need to make up for it. even if not a soul listens to me, i can pride myself in certain aspects. of course, these aspects just set me apart more, but they always have.

it's harder now. and, unfortunately, the aspects that push me ahead are seldom noticed. when there's little recognition of the things that i can do well, then we go back to the feeling of being behind.

it makes me bitter, which is awful, of course. but when it feels as though i'm looked down upon constantly, it almost feels justified. "if you look down upon me, then i'll switch those roles" kind of thinking.

—

i do get. worried, with my emotional issues. those around me get it, i've made sure of that, but i can't help but wonder what that implies for my relationship. i'm not an outwardly emotional person, including affection, and i know that's bad. it's subjective, i guess, but in this situation, it is a bad thing.

i don't mind my emotional processing. i prefer it and i don't want to force myself into the unknown for the sake of being more. palatable, or something. that's the part that worries me — how much will i, or both of us, have to change to function together?

maybe therapy will help. maybe somebody will tell me the key to not being deeply traumatized and behaving normally in a relationship. the hard part is accessing therapy. i might start fighting for it again

—

i hate discussing trauma. in personal contexts, at least; if it's detached, then i feel less connected to the conversation.

but discussing trauma is like discussing any other issue, and when aid is based off of who listens, then it tends to get to you when nobody does.

and, of course, it tends to come down to whoever screams the loudest. but sometimes that's not it, sometimes it's just chance or severity. i hate thinking about severity.

i know what i've been through is bad, yet i can't help but feel like maybe i'm just dialing it up for. pity, or something. this thought process often goes hand in hand with straight up denial — if it wasn't a severe experience like anybody else, was it even bad at all?

i still do question it. i know that the brain is able to freak out over things that aren't real or that bad, so i have to wonder if that's the case. sometimes i wonder if pretending i have no trauma at all would be easier. or less, at least.

i think it'd make me look bad. there's a reasoning for my more unsavory behaviors, be it mental illness or trauma. if those go away, then there is no reasoning — i'm just broken, or evil, or something irredeemable altogether.

—

i've been somewhat vocal about my worsening state. it's a warning sign, really, to tell others that i'm not being malicious but instead can't find any energy to do anything.

it induces worry, i know that much. i wish i could talk about the extent of it, but i don't want to induce. that much worry.

i worry i may fall into disordered eating again. social media algorithms have been seeking me out and it's making me consider it. i don't know what happened to my discipline; maybe i could do it again, if i build up to it.

but i'm horribly depressed. and when i'm snacking to cope, that only leaves me starving and miserable. i wasn't miserable over the summer, not because of it.

—

i'm scared about the self harm thing too. i wish i could say i know better, but it really is a slippery slope. i don't want to get rid of my blades, partially because i use them for multiple things, but it gets hard trying to distract myself sometimes.

i got really scared that night, when the blood wouldn't stop. it hasn't even scarred yet, though it is decently healed, and i find myself wanting more. that scares me.

i feel like i'm 14 again, trying not to make cutting myself into a daily habit. nobody noticed before, i don't see why this would be much different.

[fanelesibongeneneot3]

How does UKZN's OT Curriculum Prepare Students for Real-World Community and Primary Healthcare Challenges?

What if the key to healing lies not in medicine alone but in the very activities that define our existence? Enter the bustling corridors of UKZN, and a transformative journey unfolds—one that transcends textbooks and lecture halls. Here, students climb on a path that equips them not only with knowledge but also with the power to change lives. Welcome to the discipline of occupational therapy, where the ordinary becomes extraordinary. In this blog, we will look at UKZN’s OT curriculum, including its advantages and disadvantages in terms of preparation for practice at a community/PHC level.

As I stand on the threshold of my journey toward becoming an occupational therapist, I find myself at the intersection of challenges and growth. The curriculum at the University of KwaZulu-Natal (UKZN) serves as a compass, guiding us through eight semesters of study. I gained knowledge in areas such as anatomy, physiology, therapeutic media, clinical sciences, and psychosocial and physical theory. The curriculum is designed to prepare us for practice at the community and primary health care levels. The 4-year program introduces us to PHC and community-based practice, with a 6-weeks community block during the final year. The OT curriculum equips us with the necessary skills (Naidoo et al. 2014).

The advantages of the OT curriculum include introducing us to fieldwork and practical modules. In my first year, I was introduced to OT: Fundamentals 1 and OT: Therapeutic Media 1, which focus on the foundational principles of occupational therapy. Here I was taught assessment techniques, therapeutic activities, and communication skills (Ndaba et al., 2023). These modules were preparing us for doing assessments in our second year. We were learning skills such as conducting client interviews, designing intervention plans, and collaborating with multidisciplinary teams. Role-play scenarios were allowing us to apply theoretical knowledge. As mentioned above, I was introduced to modules that deal with human bodies, such as anatomy and physiology, which provide a deeper understanding of how the human body functions. This knowledge allows us to plan interventions that address physical limitations, sensory issues, and overall well-being.

The picture above shows how COVID-19 impacted the learning programs. At one university in South Africa, over 50% of OT students reported positive online learning experiences, but challenges included difficulty with self-study time. (Ndaba et al., 2023). In my perspective, the shift to online learning during the first year impacted me negatively. Lessons that were originally meant to be conducted in person, such as cadaver dissections, were cancelled due to the pandemic. The transition to online platforms made me feel lazy and forget importance lessons. Currently, I am overwhelmed and experiencing anxiety. At times, I find myself revisiting previous books, and this struggle makes you feel like a failure. However, as Michael (2023) says, “If you were a failure, you wouldn’t be where you are now.” This quote provides motivation and encouragement during difficult times.

The advantages of UKZN’s OT curriculum include its holistic approach. It considers social determinants, mental health, and environmental factors, (Schkade & Schultz, 1992). This approach ensures that interventions target not just immediate symptoms but also root causes, leading to more lasting and effective outcomes for patients. For example, in the Thornwood community, there is a woman who fell 10 years ago and hasn't been able to walk since. She always sleeps on her stomach, and the intervention focused on more than just her physical limitations. I noticed potential psychosocial issues since she's a mother and grandmother who can't fulfil her roles, causing her stress. She mentioned it’s painful to watch her children suffer. I also asked her more about her culture to see if she linked her condition to cultural beliefs. This shows that the OT curriculum at UKZN allows us to provide broad interventions, considering all aspects of a patient's life.

The picture above illustrates the holistic approach in occupational therapy.  

Practical exposure and fieldwork are strengths of the OT curriculum because they allow us to gain real-world experience early on. For example, at UKZN, students participate in community placements where they work with experienced OTs. This experience helps us understand the challenges of community healthcare and how to adapt our skills to meet diverse patient needs effectively. Also feedback from supervisors is valuable and helps strengthen my abilities. Fieldwork at UKZN involves collaboration with NGOs, educators, clinic staff, community leaders, and CCGs. This early advocacy experience is beneficial as it prepares us to effectively advocate for our patients' needs in the future.

The Occupational Therapy (OT) program at UKZN places a strong emphasis on cultural sensitivity. Understanding cultural contexts allows us to plan interventions that are truly beneficial to client, Anderson (2022). For example, during my physical blocks, I often worked with male patients who initially refused treatment. It was important to understand the activities they valued in their culture to create effective interventions. Our training includes research methods and evidence-based practice, which equips us with the skills to critically evaluate research and apply evidence in clinical work. (AOTA, 2020) For instance, in the Mariannridge community, I had a patient with muscle weakness. Unfortunately, I didn't research her condition thoroughly, which led to inappropriate intervention.

The OT curriculum at UKZN has some disadvantages, mainly due to limited resources. Students often have to buy their own materials for treatment sessions and only receive essential tools in their fourth year. In community placements, there aren't enough resources to make necessary adaptations in clients' homes. We often focus on activities that require minimal resources, using our therapeutic selves, and advocate for patients. Winship et al. (2019). For instance, at Thornwood, there's a patient with stroke, it’s difficult to access house with a wheelchair. Such real-life challenges highlight the importance of fieldwork, even though finding solutions can be tough without resources.

In UKZN's OT program, there is limited exposure to rural areas, as most of the program is based in urban centers. This lack of rural exposure means students may not fully understand the unique challenges and contexts of underserved communities. For instance, in the fourth year, students are only exposed to three communities, none of which are rural. Increasing exposure to rural settings could better prepare students for diverse occupational therapy practice and improve outcomes for communities in need. Naidoo et al. (2017).

The high workload in the OT curriculum at UKZN can be overwhelming, impacting their ability to engage fully. In communities such as Mariannridge with high crime rates, occupational therapists may face physical dangers such as assault, robbery, or violence during home visits. These challenges can hinder therapists' ability to provide consistent care and support. Addressing workload management and ensuring safety protocols are in place are crucial steps to solve these risks and support effective community-based occupational therapy practice.

The occupational therapy curriculum at the University of KwaZulu-Natal (UKZN) has several strengths and limitations in preparing students for practice, particularly at the community and primary health care (PHC) level. The UKZN OT has advantages in terms of knowledge acquisition, clinical exposure, and community engagement, students should be aware of the workload, safety considerations, and emotional demands. Overall, the program prepares students to make a positive impact in the lives of individuals and communities.

REFERENCES

Anderson, H. (2022) "Cultivating Cultural Humility in Occupational Therapy through Experiential Strategies and Modeling." The Open Journal of Occupational Therapy.

American Occupational Therapy Association (AOTA): https://www.aota.org/

Naidoo, D., Van Wyk, J., & Nat, R. J. (2014). Are final year occupational therapy students adequately prepared for clinical practice? A case study in KwaZulu-Natal. South African Journal of Occupational Therapy, 44(3), 24-28.

Naidoo, D; VAN WYK. (2017)<http://www.scielo.org.za/scielo.php?script=sci_arttext&pid=S2310-38332017000400007&lng=en&nrm=iso>. ISSN 2310-3833.  http://dx.doi.org/10.17159/2310-3833/2017/v47n3a7.

Ndaba, N., Naidoo, D., Govender, P., van Heerden, N., Heaver, J., Rambhuron, S., ... & Ndlovu, I. (2023). Experiences of online occupational therapy education during the COVID-19 pandemic at a South African university. South African Journal of Occupational Therapy, 53(2), 55-63.

Michael F. Mascolo, Ph.D., discusses the significance of failure in the process of living and the importance of developing a proper attitude towards failure

The picture: https://ed.stanford.edu/news/student-stress-during-pandemic

The picture: https://www.proactivetherapymb.com/occupational-therapy.html

Schkade, J. K., & Schultz, S. (1992). Occupational adaptation: Toward a holistic approach for contemporary practice, part 1. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 46(9), 829-837.

Winship, J. M., Ivey, C. K., & Etz, R. S. (2019). Opportunities for occupational therapy on a primary care team. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 73(5), 7305185010p1-7305185010p10

[anti-katsuki-lounge]

It's called learned helplessness

When people ask why Izuku didn't fight back, the reason is because he was mentally primed not to.

To train an elephant, you get one when it's a baby and you tie it to the biggest, thickest tree you can find. The baby elephant will attempt to pull itself free and get exhausted in the escape attempt, only to learn that it cannot do it. You repeat this experience as many times as needed. The elephant tries, and it learns that its strength is not enough. The end result is that regardless of how big and strong the elephant gets, it will always have this mental framework of what is and isn't possible. So when it's fully grown, you can tie it to a very little tree and it won't even attempt to escape. It knows it can't break trees, so it won't even try. What does elephant training have to do with bullying? They work the same way. This state is called learned helplessness. Most living beings are susceptible to it. The scenario has obviously changed on the outside, but the elephant will still follow the old pattern. To put it succinctly, the elephant has beliefs about themselves that prevents them from performing actions that they're capable of. They do not see escape as an option, despite being able to just walk away. The elephant can uproot a tree but they won't. They cannot see it because of this mental block. Humans function the same way and often need someone from the outside to help break the cycle, via educating them of what's happening or intervening. In canon, All Might telling Izuku he could be a hero is what broke him out of that mindset and got him to train.

But when people ask why wouldn't he, the question is, why would he? What in his life would empower him to make decisions like these? He had no support structure, he had no one believing in him. He had zero friends and clung to a childhood friendship that ended when he was 5. We're talking about a decade of almost total social isolation and bullying, while the only person who isn't a prick to him is his mother. Who pities him. He's been treated this way longer than he hasn't. The strength and motivation to act has to come from somewhere. It's really not surprising that he'd behave this way in such a toxic environment. Nothing about Izuku's life before the start of the series is structured in a way that's conducive to his success.

I couldn’t say it any better myself. This is fantastically written and structured and I feel it’s something everyone should read regarding how Izuku feels.

[author-a-holmes]

Underwing Challenge Day 3

"Who is your main cast? Describe as many of your OCs as you can cram into one post."

(Event Link) - (Day One) - (Day Two)

As many as I can cram into one post? Whooo-boy, you have no idea what you've asked for <3

Because Stolen is a Fantasy Romance, it's written in Third Person Close/Limited from the points of view of Stella Korazon and Reilly Mosswolf.

Stella Korazon

"Loving someone forever is the easy part, so long as you actually love them in the first place." - Stella

At the start of Stolen, Stella is a young but very talented thief. She was raised by her Da', Colm Korazon in a wagon that they used to travel the East Coast caravan route of Moryann.

Her greatest skills include being able to read a persons body language, and her pick-pocketing. She was taught how to fight, but her preferred reaction is to evade, dodge, run, or a mixture of the three.

Physically she's small. Short, and very slim, and with long blonde hair to her waist/hips and large blue eyes that make her look younger than she is, a look that she often uses to her advantage.

Stella's also a very good mimic, she can copy people's patterns of speech and behaviors as long as she's given sufficient time to study them.

Her biggest disadvantage is innocence. While Stella isn't naive to the dangers of Moryann, or the darker sides of the world she lives in, her Da' always encouraged social isolation. Teaching her to trust him, herself, and no one else. This makes for a strange dichotomy to her character that I enjoy playing with where she might be able to flirt with a mark and fluster them enough to rifle through their pockets unnoticed, but blush and stumble when being on the receiving end of genuine thanks or kindness.

Reilly Mosswolf

"You're in trouble, and I can help. Do I need more of a reason than that?" - Reilly

Reilly's parents were murdered when he was very young. He's elven, so very young for him was around 22 years, the developmental equivalent to mid-teens.

After his parents death, Reilly had his younger sister to look after, so he took to stealing. He was rather bad at it, and was caught. Luckily, for him, but the Guild Master of the Antillune Thieves Guild, Aldune Lamuird.

Instead of turning Reilly over to the guard, he took Reilly and his sister into the guild and looked after them, training both siblings himself when they expressed a desire to learn the trade.

At the start of Stolen, Reilly is 252 years old, and the current guild master having inherited his position from Aldune. Despite that he, and the guild, are in trouble.

For the previous year or two, there has been a rival guild from the Western side of Moryann beginning to encroach on the Antillune Guild's territory and while it hasn't yet escalated to an all out war, tensions are building.

Not least because around 6 months prior, Reilly's sister was found dead, having been clearly tortured. While Reilly is sure that the rival guild are responsible, he has no evidence and won't put the thieves under his protection at risk for a personal vendetta.

Physically, Reilly has the black eyes and sun-burnished skin of his mother's Desert Elf heritage. He also has black hair that he keeps shoulder length, and a scruff of a beard that helps give a messy edge to a face that would otherwise stand out in a crowd. He also has the traditional Forest Elf tattoo's that span from shoulder to wrist along his left arm; His family history written in elven.

His strengths are his experience, and his willingness to listen to opinions and advice other than his own. Reilly is a strong fighter, and Aldune taught him to carefully balance the racial specific talents of both his parents bloodlines, and to use them to his advantage. He has the powerful blows that belong to the forest clans, but the speed of the desert elves, making him a formidable opponent before he even picks up a blade.

Reilly's biggest disadvantage is his fear of losing people. Over the years, Reilly has lost almost everyone he's ever loved or cared for. His parents, Aldune, his sister Eryn, even a lover or two. He has an inner circle of people he relies on within the guild, six people he trusts above all others, but his best friend and the only one truly able to get through to him is Dara Brookor.

Reilly uses nicknames and pet-names to distance himself from his guild members, giving the illusion of closeness, but using the affectionate names to distance himself, and make sure he can't put a real name to a face should one of the people under his protection turn up dead.

It's when Reilly begins to use a person's real name, that they've truly begun to worm their way under his armor.

***

Stella and Reilly are surrounded by a small supporting cast, each of whom has a very important part to play in either the main characters lives, or the main plot, although that may not come to fruition within the first book...

Dara Brookor

"So you're trying to tell me that, when you realised you were developing a meaningful connection to a person you have known for less than a decade, you didn't panic, pull back, and avoid them like a complete moron?" - Dara

Dara runs most of the administrative side of the Antillune Thieves Guild. She handles all the records, job allocations and thief payments, and is also responsible for pairing up thieves whose skills will compliment each other.

She's also the best friend to Reilly Mosswolf. She met Reilly, and his sister Eryn, when they were attempting to steal from one of her clients. Before joining the guild, Dara ran a brothel in Antillune, and when Eryn Mosswolf tried to disguise herself as an employee to get close to her target, Dara interfered in an attempt to protect her staff.

Once the situation was explained, she ended up helping Eryn and Reilly with their job, and occasionally passing along information on good targets if a client tried to skip out on their bill.

Dara is over six feet tall, and almost half as broad, which is the only sign of her part ogre heritage. She has honey-blonde curls that she keeps cut to her jaw, and dark blue-green eyes.

She made good use of her imposing form to keep her staff protected and her clients in line, but eventually her establishment was set on fire by a competitor, which is when Reilly asked her to work for him instead, in the administrative side of the guild.

The fact that it meant Reilly got out of most of the paperwork was, he swears, simply a bonus.

Dara's strength is her ability to connect with people. While she isn't a thief, her long history in Antillune has given her a network on contacts across the city that feed her a steady supply of information, and Dara can quickly utilise those contacts to seek out any specific leads she or the guild needs.

Her weakness is that she doesn't want to think badly of anyone, and it can cloud her judgement. She doesn't automatically look for deceit and deception, which has often led to her finding herself in dangerous situations.

Thankfully, Dara strikes an intimidating form, can curse like an Antillune sailor, and knows how to wield blades well enough to back up her threats.

Myris Orinan

"I am not the youngest graduate from the college of Wizardry in nearly two centuries for nothing." - Myris

Myris Orinan is, simply put, a genius.

A forest elf in possession of extremely powerful elemental magic, Myris is one of only 3-4 people in Moryann who can control all four branches of elemental magic and manipulate them simultaneously to access the rare Kurro or Healing magic.

He completed his training at the College of Wizardry in less than 100 years, making him one of the youngest graduates to ever complete the training and he is also passable-to-fluent in over ten languages.

Myris is also entirely mute.

Married to Tanar Orinan, the pair met when Tanar had been hired to steal something from the library in the College of Wizardry. Myris discovered the thief, mid-job, because he'd been working late into the night and bound Tanar before demanding an explanation for his presence.

Tanar agreed to surrender the book, and forfeit the contract, in exchange for being allowed to court Myris and the pair were quickly inseparable.

Due to this close association with the Antillune Guild, however, Myris was attacked, kidnapped, and tortured for information on the guild, and on Reilly Mosswolf in particular.

Even though, at the time, he had no knowledge to give, his attackers punished him for withholding information by forcing an alchemical mixture into him that burnt away his vocal chords, effectively rending his magic useless as it's commonly accepted that without the ability to speak a spell, spellcasters and wizards are rendered powerless.

Myris proved everyone's theories on elemental magic wrong however by slowly developing his own language using hand positioning and finger shapes to communicate words and phrases, and with practice and strength of will he gradually taught himself how to cast spells with a non-verbal trigger, instead of a spoken one.

While Myris has physically recovered as well as he can from the experience, and his magic is as strong as ever, despite requiring more effort to cast non-verbally, Myris has been left with a powerful hatred of Vine, and an ever encroaching fear that such an attack will happen again.

After his recovery, and several assessments by the College to prove that he could continue to retain his Wizard title, Myris moved to the Antillune Thieves guild to work as their wizard in residence, providing wards and magical services to the guild in exchange for a modest fee and even working to create unique items to help the guild function better and to keep its members safer.

Myris does not leave the Guild grounds without Tanar by his side, and even then only in exceptional circumstances. If he is required to leave the guild for any reason, it also tends to leave him with nightmares for several weeks.

Honorable Mentions

I had some others I was going to do but this is so long already, and I'm already 7 hours into Day Four that I'm pushing them into an honorable mentions section instead.

Tanar Sotor Orinan, Indre Larieth, Lurall Penrith and Nilion Kurez are all additional members of the guilds Inner Circle.

Tanar is half plains elf and half human, and is married to Myris. He used to be the thief partner to Eryn Mosswolf after Reilly was made guild master.

Indre Larieth is a half-elf who was recruited by Nilion Kurez, but has remained steadfastly loyal to Reilly for many years. Due to her Snow Elf heritage she can appear stand-offish and cold, but she cares deeply for her chosen few, and will go to extraordinary lengths to do whatever she thinks is nessecary to protect them.

Lurall Penrith was once trained by the Ikhari guild of assassins. It wasn't a path he chose, but instead of running her decided to become good enough that the guild would have no choice but to allow him to leave. After he met Reilly, he leveraged the backing of another guild to convince the Ikhari to let him walk away. Lurall now runs the Guild Outpost in the Western Desert, but frequently visits Reilly in Antillune.

Nilion Kurez is a Forest Elf, and has been a member of the Antillune thieves guild since Aldune Lamuird founded it. He helped write many of the guilds laws, and has known Reilly most of his life, having watched him grow up inside the guild, and in many cases been one of Reilly's teachers.

Hawk Denill is the face of Vine in Book One, and the person who hires Stella to break into the guild and steal from Reilly Mosswolf. He is a dark character who I intend to be a thorn in Stella and Reilly's side for at least the first three books. Once a member of Reilly's own guild, Hawk was banished when the guild discovered he was responsible for a series of grisly murders in Antillune. Hawk has returned to the city only recently, confident with the backing of a new guild.

Liandra 'Andy' Jenkin is a bright but brash young thief who Dara partners with Stella once she settles into the guild. Andy is Human, but makes up for the disadvantages this gives her in speed and strength by sheer enthusiasm, and stubborn determination. Andy has a grudge of her own against Vine, since their people laid an ambush on her last job that injured her and killed her previous partner.

Colm Korazon is Stella's Da'. While Colm is also a thief, he's not a particularly good one. He raised Stella in a travelling caravan, using it as a base to sell all sorts of false herbal remedies, imitation magical items, and any other junk he could con people into purchasing. All the while training Stella to do what he could not. By the time she was old enough to blend in with the crowds that gathered around his stall, the items he attempted to sell were merely a distraction to allow Stella to silently search through pockets.

[firstumcschenectady]

"God, Stress, and Abundant Lives” based on 1 Kings 19:4-8

I'm mad. Mad that we – the big collective we – might have beaten this virus if we trusted our experts and prioritized collective well-being. Mad that we “can't have nice things” still, EVEN THOUGH science provided amazing vaccines in an unbelievably short time. Mad that I have to make decisions no one– including me – likes because the first rule of John Wesley is “first do no harm” and I really believe we have to do that.

But, a friend sent an article this week that pointed out that I'm not mad. I just think I'm mad. Or, more so, that anger is a secondary emotion that works well to mask primary emotions. The article said the emotion that I'm actually feeling is fear. (Note: do not try this at home. Do not tell someone what they're “really feeling” when they tell you what they ARE feeling. Really, truly. DO NOT DO THIS. The article got away with it by taking about generic people and I personalized.) The article speaks about people choosing not to be vaccinated and vaccinated people's anger responses:

Though this new flavor of outrage might look and sound like righteous indignation, mental health professionals say that what’s behind it is fear.

“It’s scary to admit that somebody else has power over you and you’re at their mercy and you’re afraid of them, but showing that is not a very American ideal,” said David Rosmarin, an associate professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and a clinician at McLean Hospital. “Instead of expressing that fear, it’s a lot more comfortable to blame somebody else.”

Anger is what people in his profession refer to as a “secondary emotion.” It’s a feeling that arises in response to a more primal emotion, like fear and anxiety over having some aspect of your life threatened. “The reality is that there are millions of people who are miseducated about something, they’re making a big mistake that will have massive consequences that might affect you and your family and that makes you scared,” Rosmarin said. “But nobody is saying that.”1

That article also says that part of what people are struggling with is that this was always going to be a “long war” but we didn't get that message from the outset. That fits for me too, I deal better when I have my expectations set correctly.

Two years ago I preached on this passage from 1 Kings 19, and afterwards several of you mentioned that you could hear in it my yearning for a break. (It was fairly soon before my renewal leave.) I hadn't meant to be that transparent then, and it makes me want to be a little bit cautious now, but....the story hasn't changed.

This remains a story of Elijah, prophet of God who has worked diligently for what he believed God wanted him to do. The response to his faithfulness has been a threat of murder that came directly from the palace.

Elijah is too tired to fight anymore. He fled for his life, but in the midst of the flight he lost even the will to live.

He prays, asking God to let him die, which would at least be less violent than the death otherwise planned for him. He'd walked into the desert for a day, and when he prayed he sat under a single broom tree, the only bit of respite he could find. The Bible seems to suggest this is a particularly sad story, it is the same one told of Hagar, having walked into the desert, exhausted her provisions, sat under a broom, and prepared to die. Just like with Hagar though, God meets Elijah there.

You may already know how much I love this story. He falls asleep, and wakes up when provisions have arrived. He eats, he drinks, he falls back asleep. When he awakes, provisions have arrived. He eats, he drinks, AND THEN he was able to go on.

I really love that he needs to sleep, eat, drink, sleep, eat, and drink before he can rouse himself. He has gone far beyond the “have a cup of coffee and keep going” point. He is exhausted. He is out of will power. He is out of a will to LIVE. If I were writing this story though, I'd add in some breathing. “He took intentional deep breathes until he was able to slow his body enough to sleep...” and then the rest of the story. It would make it just a smidge better.

Probably because of the book I just read, I'm noticing that the story as written (and more so as adapted), Elijah is given the chance to “complete the stress cycle” in this story. The book is “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” written by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. In their opening chapter, they distinguish between stressors and stress. They point out that we need to complete the stress cycle, no matter what is happening with the stressors. And they name, concretely, how to do that. The first and best option is to “do literally anything to move your body enough to get you breathing deeply” for 20-60 minutes a day.2 Elijah walking into the desert for an entire day seems to qualify.

The Nagoski sisters offer 6 other ways to complete the cycle though: 1. “deep, slow breaths down regulate the stress response”3, 2. positive social encounters (even causal ones), 3. laughter – but the real deep belly laughter kind, 4. physical affection from someone you trust (they suggest a 6 second kiss between partners or a 20 second hug with someone you like, snuggling a pet), 5. crying, and 6. creative expression. In other chapters they also talk about meditation and spiritual connection, so I'm going to add a #7 – whatever prayer practices work for you. They're suggesting that we do at least one of these, and better many of these, every day. Because the stressors keep coming at us. And their book was written in 2019, so it is WAY MORE TRUE today.

So Elijah. He took a long walk (check), I'm all for pretending he took some slow breaths, he maybe had a positive encounter with the angel? (does that count??), and I'm quite sure he cried a lot, the Bible just forgot to mention it. He also took care of his bodily needs for rest, nourishment, and hydration. (Chapter 7 of their book is all about rest.) He also named his despair to God, and naming emotions has a lot of power too.

This little story has a lot of good responses to despair and burnout. Which is good, because many of us are in despair and/or burnout in at least some aspects of our lives.

The pandemic has challenged all of us. The challenges have differed, because we're different, but we've all been challenged. Having another wave is definitely not helping anybody. We're mad, whether or not that's a primary emotion, sad, fearful, and maybe even detached. We're exhausted.

And most of us are comfort seeking. We want things to be easier. We NEED things to be easier. We're looking for things that sooth, ease, comfort, and console. Often, we're looking for things to be “back to normal,” familiar, and make sense like we're used to. We're human. That's how we work.

Another facet of how we work is that when we're in high stress, we revert to earlier and lower levels of emotional functioning. We blame. We over react. We fight. We flee. We gossip. We triangulate. We take all our anxiety and we try to get rid of it by sharing it with others or throwing it at them. This too is human. It is how we work.

No one I know is operating at their best right now. We can't.

What we can do is seek to complete the stress cycles – we can't change most of the stressors, but we can give ourselves the best possible chance to change the stress. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are all connected, they're all “us.” When we care for each of them, we give all of them a chance to do better.

I believe that God calls us all to life abundant. To full, meaningful, connected lives. To spiritual depth and work that matters and relationships that give life. Elijah went from that broom tree to the Mount of Horeb where he deepened his relationship with God, and then on to meet his protege Elisha and started to pass on his labor to the next generation. It wasn't God's intention that Elijah struggle alone, or burn himself out. It isn't God's will that we struggle alone nor burn ourselves out either. God wishes for full, abundant lives for us all. That's part of why we take care of each other, and share love in the world. So, dear ones, I encourage you to complete your stress cycles, name your emotions, connect with your dear ones, engage in prayer, and live life as abundantly as you can. God wants it for us, we want it for each other, and the world needs us as healthy as we can be! May God help us. Amen

1 https://www.statnews.com/2021/08/02/belated-realization-that-covid-will-be-a-long-war-sparks-anger-denial/

2 Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski Burnout: The Secret to Unlokcing the Stress Cycle (New York: Ballantine Books, 2019) p. 14.

3 Nagoski, 15.

[amaintainedrisk]

i'm sorry if anybody is worried about me.

I think the most disturbing thing about the century is that I’m not even scratching the surface about what has been going on around here and what my family has been doing to me but I don’t have it in me to tell everything right now. It’s going to have to wait until this headache passes.

Still don't have a phone. The abuse has gotten so much worse and I cannot get anyone to help me. My mother and my aunt have done nothing but torture me since my grandmother died and taking it out on me. I've spent the last three months locked away in my room, and I'm lucky if I eat once a day. They have turn the Internet off so I can't use my iPad to tell anybody or talk to anyone to tell them about this. The only reason I can update right now is because I waited for my mother to leave and I want and ask my neighbor for her Wi-Fi password. She was kind enough to let me use her Wi-Fi.

One of the reasons the abuse has gotten so much worse is because my grandmother completely destroyed her house and we didn't know it. We were trying to clean it up but we didn't have time and they gave us an evection notice and now we are being sued for the damages my grandmother left. They have been taking their frustration out on me. My medicine has been stolen over and over again and I can't tell my nurse because I'll get put into a group home with people who have mental illnesses and don't take their meds. there have been reports of people being attacked there and I'm blind and can't defend myself. I know I'm being abused here but it's the evil I know. At least hear there's no chance of me being sexually assaulted again like at the Cleveland clinic.

Today alone on my mother has done is scream at me and tell me I'm worthless and how much life for her would've been better if I had been born. How much she loves my aunt and my cousins more than me. How much easier it's going to be for everyone once I'm gone. I've spent all day in my room crying while they told me this and laughing. I would not let them in my room but that didn't stop them from doing it outside the door. They wanted me to hear. I have always known he hated me and considered me a burden but whenever they get stressed out they take it out on me. Now because of what my grandmother did to her house, we might get sued and obviously we don't have the money. So it's been taken out on me and for two months straight it's just been me at the age of 32 years old being locked in my room all day long. Some days I don't even go down to eat. It has gotten so much worse since my grandmother died and that's why I haven't said anything because I'm so tired of giving bad news and talking about how much my family hurts me.

even worse, my mother seizure condition has gotten worse so I have to listen to her tell me I'm worthless every day and then turn around and take care of her at night. So she doesn't throw up in her sleep or swallow her tongue. I'm barely getting any sleep and it's worse when I don't have my meds because they're being stolen and again, if I report them, I'll get put in a group home with people who could really, really hurt me. my mother has been screaming at me all day and I can tell she starting to have a seizure so I have another long night ahead of me of taking care of the person who told me recently that if I had a heart attack and died. She would be happy. I actually recorded a bunch of stuff my mother said to me, about how I deserve to be beaten when I was a little kid and I recorded her laughing at me when I fell and hurt myself and I uploaded it all to my vineo Account. I password-protected The videos because they are embarrassing and I didn't want anybody but my friends to hear it. The password for all of my password-protected videos is just my name: "dani" without the quotes.

to make matters worse, my health has been declining as well. As my brain sinks down into my spinal cord, I am now myself having seizures. It means I've entered the last stage of my condition. but I have to suffer through my seizures alone. No one will help me so I just collapse alone in my room and wake up whenever it's over by myself and if I say something I get called a liar and that I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm terrified one day soon I'm going to have a seizure and I'm not gonna wake up and I'm just going to be laying up you're dead for weeks because no one will check on me. It scares me the most for Carly because I don't want him to starve to death because nobody knows to feed or water him because I'm not allowed to do it. The doctor told me I had less than two years to live in June and I've spent the last seven months alone and dealing with this by myself and knowing the end is coming and my life has been completely wasted and I can't do anything about it now without making it worse on myself. I don't want to die in a homeless shelter or being assaulted in a group home, Which my social worker has said there have been reports of in every group home in this area.

I had to stop typing this because my mother came upstairs to pick a fight with me and told me she hates me and she loves my aunt and my cousins more and she doesn't care that they abused me. They are her family and I am not . I'm her worthless burden daughter who does nothing but disappoint her. And I'm going to have to take care of this woman all night to make sure she doesn't swallow her tongue or throw up in the middle of the night. I don't have my medicine. I won't be able to sleep and I haven't eaten today and I'm having my own seizures but I have to take care of my mother because if she doesn't have me she will die in her sleep and it will be all my fault and then that would make me no better than her. I am not my family. I may be a burden and yes, it would've been better if I wasn't born but I'm here now and I'm not going to do to them what they do to me every day. I even put up a video of my mother telling me I deserved to be beaten at the age of three years old because I left the room. It's on my vineo.

do you see why I haven't updated? Nobody should have to sit through my whining and crying about the same old thing again. About a 32-year-old woman who is being abused and letting it happen. I've been waiting six months for a new phone and now the Internet is gone so i've beensk for my neighbors Wi-Fi password and I am praying she doesn't tell my mother she gave that to me. I couldn't ask her not to say anything because that would've drawn too much attention to it and probably would've screwed me over even worse. so I have the Internet again now… Kind of. It's really spotty. But it's better than nothing.

Another reason I didn't want to update is because I know that Monsie and Christina would ask me to move in with them. and I can't with my health declining so much. I cannot ask my friends to literally be my nurses aids. Especially now that I'm having seizures and I've entered stage four. It is going to be much worse later on if I don't want to spend the last few months I have being a burden on me only two people who care about me and don't abuse me. I refuse to do that I will slowly lose my functions and I am not going to be some unholy burden that… I can't even say because it's so embarrassing. Let's just say the symptoms, near the end, we're going to make me lose control of every single one of my functions. if that wasn't the case I would leave in a second because I am getting just so fed up with life but I'm just having thoughts of ending it every day. Not because of the physical pain but because of the mental pain of being told I'm so unloved and worthless and a burden. The mental pain of knowing my life has been a waste and at the end I'm going to die unhappy and alone. Never experiencing love or life of any kind and Diane a complete failure of a human being. I have tried so hard to get away from these fucking people but I can't without hurting myself more. my grandfather is dying now too and I can't even see him. I have no family here because my mother has told every family member that I have left a bunch of lies about me so they think I'm a horrible person too. They don't know that I spend almost every night sitting by my mother's bedside making sure she doesn't die from her seizure, only to be told I'm worthless and hated all day the next day. The only reason I ran for my neighbors Wi-Fi today is because today it has been particularly hard and abusive and it's caused me to have two seizures today alone. I'm so tired of all of this and I'm just ready to die already because there's no point in staying. Last night at 6 AM after I was done with my mommy duty and watching her over her I just laid in bed and cried and raised my arms and screamed out please help me to a God I don't even believe in. yelling out to the ceiling for someone to hold me and tell me I'm not worthless I'm not a burden. To tell me I'm loved. To tell me not to be scared to die because I won't have to die alone and my life hasn't been a waste. But of course my pleas went

unheard. I am so tired of my mother choosing my aunt over me after all I have done for her and I would do anything to get away from her but I'm out of options, especially with no phone and now no Internet except for the spotty Wi-Fi.

So that's why I didn't update. I had no Internet but even if I did, what good would it have done? It's just the same thing every day. I am so alone and so broken and so scared and it's my own fault because of the age of 32 I shouldn't be allowing this to happen. I'm so ashamed of my family, and of myself. if I could find somewhere to go that would take my Medicaid and a doctor would treat me, and it wasn't a homeless shelter or group home and it wasn't where I would be a burden to my friends, I would go in a heartbeat. in a heartbeat. but I can't find a place like that. My aunt stole my great grandmothers rings when I was in the hospital and my mother knows it. It happened years ago but today she brought it up again and said she didn't want to hear me talk about her stealing it because she's sick of me picking on my aunt for little things. Stealing family keepsakes given to me by a family member that died when I was 12 that I deeply loved isn't very little but she said I was a bad person for bringing it up. My aunt isn't bad for stealing it but I'm a bad person for talking about her stealing it and it just got worse from there when she started talking about all the ways she cares more about my aunt than me even though my aunt treats her like shit as well and refuses to help her. Even though she knows I'm the one taking care of her all night long she still packs my aunt over me and all I heard about today is how I'm not part of the family and how everyone has always been sick of me.

Yeah, this whiny shameful update really needed to happen. It's just the same abusive shit that has just gotten so much worse since my grandmother died. I was hoping it would get better but I was completely wrong and completely stupid for even thinking that. Of course it got worse.

And again my mother is now outside the hall so I have to whisper. She's faking a phone call to somebody or she actually is talking to somebody and she's doing it loud enough for me to here so I can hear her telling them all these lies about things I said or did today that I never did or said just because she wants me to suffer because she stressed out and wants to take it out on me.

… It's been 35 minutes since I wrote that last line. I just had another seizure. The stress is literally killing me faster and I don't know what to do. If I tell on them I go to a place that's extremely dangerous and a blind person cannot defend themselves like that. I'd rather be yelled that van raped or beaten, the way people have been in there Group houses that are my only option. I looked up news reports and police reports and they are just not safe so I have to put up with this.

if you can see this or read this, thank you for your friendship because it's the only thing that has kept me going even though I haven't talk to you in months. You are all I think about and you were the only reason I have ever felt loved in my life. without you I would be dying never knowing what love felt like at all so at least you gave me back and for that I am so grateful and I miss you so much. thank you for being my friends. I'm about to go to bed tonight feeling alone and hated by my family. Going to cry myself to sleep wondering why my mother loves my aunt more than me to the point where she's happy that my aunt abused me. It's going to break me and give me nightmares like it does every night. But every morning I wake up and think of you and I hold on and I would give anything to be with you right now if only I would be such a burden. You can try to text my iPad. Hopefully I will get it now that I have Wi-Fi but my phone is completely a no go. I miss you guys so much and I love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for being a bad friend and for once again doing nothing but whine and complain. I don't deserve you but I'm so glad to have you anyway. I love you.

I love you.

this is the link to my Vimeo Page:

https://vimeo.com/user79298455

although I just noticed that I don’t think the password-protected videos are listed so I have to post each link one by one down here. I’m not asking anyone to listen to all of them. Or even one of them. I just put them up here so I can document the way my mother treats me so people know I’m not making it up or lying when I say my mothers abusive. The password to each video is the same one: dani

Deserved to be beaten

https://vimeo.com/300103444

Mental and physical

https://vimeo.com/300103444

when they abuse me, it’s to protect my feelings

https://vimeo.com/297632955

worthless

https://vimeo.com/270006846

nervous breakdown

https://vimeo.com/266402098